Notactuallyme


  1. Sometimes my job is sooooo stressful.

    Sometimes my job is sooooo stressful.

  2. My orchids are all showing off. Almost all of them are either in bloom or budding out. They love springtime too.

And Sweetie appropriated the book I bought yesterday. “Why don’t you go ahead and buy the actual book instead of an e-book so I can read it when you get done?” 

Apparently he conveniently forgot the last part of that request.

    My orchids are all showing off. Almost all of them are either in bloom or budding out. They love springtime too.

    And Sweetie appropriated the book I bought yesterday. “Why don’t you go ahead and buy the actual book instead of an e-book so I can read it when you get done?”

    Apparently he conveniently forgot the last part of that request.

  3. ☛ How smart is that doggy in the window?

    Once thought too insignificant and too corrupted to study, the mind of the canine is now a topic of intense interest to scientists. A trip to the Duke Canine Cognition Center reveals how we became the Internet for dogs.

  4. Obligatory.

    Obligatory.

  5. Happy Easter, however you choose to celebrate!

    Happy Easter, however you choose to celebrate!

  6. LOOK - THE EASTER HOUND BROUGHT US A SNUGGLE BUNNY!

    LOOK - THE EASTER HOUND BROUGHT US A SNUGGLE BUNNY!

  7. She’s sulking because she knows we’re leaving soon. She won’t even come to me. “Fuck you! I’m not going to let you pet me just so you’ll feel less guilty about not taking me with you. Just go. I’m done with you.”

    She’s sulking because she knows we’re leaving soon. She won’t even come to me. “Fuck you! I’m not going to let you pet me just so you’ll feel less guilty about not taking me with you. Just go. I’m done with you.”

  8. After the bone marrow (meat snot) has been eaten, the bourbon shot steeps in the bone.

    After the bone marrow (meat snot) has been eaten, the bourbon shot steeps in the bone.

  9. He’s pissed because a Bluray *I* bought won’t play in *his* PS3. But he’s not just in a bad mood because of the situation of the disc not playing, he blames me. It’s somehow my fault, like I stupidly bought an inferior brand or something. Like maybe I bought the European version and should have known it wouldn’t work. I suppose the fact that the previews and ads played juuust fine doesn’t negate his theory…?

    Oh, he’s not *acting* upset or angry at all. Oh no. Nor is he saying anything. He’s caressing my shoulder right now, in fact, and murmuring silly whatnots as he reads his tablet.

    But it’s there. Deep. Way down deep. I know it.

    Just like I know he had pie with lunch.

    And will sing silly made-up songs in the morning while we get ready for work. And will drink a Belgian beer tomorrow evening.

    And would still fuck Kaley Cuoco even after finding out she has breast implants. (“Well I *am* a man,” he would surely say.)

    All subtext.

  10. Frying plantains, like you do. Because nothing goes better with healthy vegetable soup than greasy, delicious plantanos.

    Frying plantains, like you do. Because nothing goes better with healthy vegetable soup than greasy, delicious plantanos.

  11. archiemcphee:

    Let’s go to Idaho and have a slumber party inside this giant beagle! His name is ‘Sweet Willy’ and he’s a bed and breakfast located just outside the town of Cottonwood, Idaho. It’s called the Dog Bark Park Inn and it was built by Frances Conklin and Dennis Sullivan, who spent eighteen months building their awesome canine hotel. The inn offers two double bedroom and, as you’d hope, pet accommodations as well. They even leave a plate of dog-shaped cookies on your pillow.

    So who’s coming with us? Visit the Dog Bark Park Inn website to book a reservation.

    [via Lost At E Minor]

    Paging the Luomas.
  12. He expresses dismay upon learning that Kaley Cuoco has implants

    "UGH! Why would she admit to that?! That ruins everything!"

    "The nerve that she didn’t consult you."

    "I know, right? Oh well, the show isn’t as good since she got married anyway."

    "Really?"

    "Oh yeah. (Work buddy) and I have a theory why."

    "Do tell."

    "Well, she’s no longer attainable."

    "Because you had a shot…"

    "Totally!"

  13. ☛ Rapper Andre Johnson severed his penis and jumped from a Los Angeles apartment building early Wednesday, police said.

    Huh. Bet when he cut off his dick, he didn’t think he’d survive the fall.

  14. Sweetie is feeding me banana slices with Nutella as I’m lying in bed, catching up on Tumblr.

    Nope, you can’t have him. He’s mine all mine.

  15. "Can I at least read it to you?"

    "You can, but I’m not really gonna pay attention."

    "Why not?"

    "… Honey. You have met me."

    “‘How many wangs can you count in the Mayan calendar?’”