Notactuallyme


  1. He expresses dismay upon learning that Kaley Cuoco has implants

    "UGH! Why would she admit to that?! That ruins everything!"

    "The nerve that she didn’t consult you."

    "I know, right? Oh well, the show isn’t as good since she got married anyway."

    "Really?"

    "Oh yeah. (Work buddy) and I have a theory why."

    "Do tell."

    "Well, she’s no longer attainable."

    "Because you had a shot…"

    "Totally!"

  2. ☛ Rapper Andre Johnson severed his penis and jumped from a Los Angeles apartment building early Wednesday, police said.

    Huh. Bet when he cut off his dick, he didn’t think he’d survive the fall.

  3. Sweetie is feeding me banana slices with Nutella as I’m lying in bed, catching up on Tumblr.

    Nope, you can’t have him. He’s mine all mine.

  4. "Can I at least read it to you?"

    "You can, but I’m not really gonna pay attention."

    "Why not?"

    "… Honey. You have met me."

    “‘How many wangs can you count in the Mayan calendar?’”

  5. Sweetie’s brushing his teeth and explaining Greek mythology to me after drinking several beers. 

I am not exactly sober myself, so I’m having some difficulty in following the story, as written in “Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes”

"Here, you can read it, starting here," he says. "But let me just set the stage for you again first."

"… No, I really don’t think lack of context is the issue here."

At least I’m not the blurry one.

    Sweetie’s brushing his teeth and explaining Greek mythology to me after drinking several beers.

    I am not exactly sober myself, so I’m having some difficulty in following the story, as written in “Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes”

    "Here, you can read it, starting here," he says. "But let me just set the stage for you again first."

    "… No, I really don’t think lack of context is the issue here."

    At least I’m not the blurry one.

  6. And your Amy.

    And your Amy.

  7. Internet, we have your Sweeneys.

    Internet, we have your Sweeneys.

  8. thisistheglamorous:

I don’t want to brag, but Michelle Obama wrote me an email and offered me a pretty substantial amount of money. Might take her up on it.



DUDE - how could you not??? I mean, how often are you offered the chance to exchange only $200 for $6.8 US dollars from the very hand of our beloved First Lady???

Even more shocking than that amazing opportunity, though, is that apparently there have been 89 other people with the email address “mrs.michelleobama.firstladyxx@gmail.com.” Who would have thought?

    thisistheglamorous:

    I don’t want to brag, but Michelle Obama wrote me an email and offered me a pretty substantial amount of money. Might take her up on it.

    DUDE - how could you not??? I mean, how often are you offered the chance to exchange only $200 for $6.8 US dollars from the very hand of our beloved First Lady??? Even more shocking than that amazing opportunity, though, is that apparently there have been 89 other people with the email address “mrs.michelleobama.firstladyxx@gmail.com.” Who would have thought?
  9. "… then Ra was bored so he fucked his own shadow and he had a baby made of spit and another one made of puke. Weird, huh? Makes me wonder what the actual story was."

    "But not enough to actually Google it or anything?"

    "Fuck no. That would take effort."

    "I wonder if people back then actually believed in those gods and all the bizarre stuff that happened in the myths? I mean, they’d have to be pretty primitive to believe shit like that."

    "People still do, though."

    "… Oh. Yeah. I guess you’re right."

  10. Her internal timer is atomic clock accurate. She’s been sacked out in her bed for an hour or so, but at exactly 5:00, she was at my knee, licking her chops, asking for dinner. I don’t know how she learned to tell time, and I’ve never seen her look at a clock, but she knows. Without fail, she knows.

Freak.

    Her internal timer is atomic clock accurate. She’s been sacked out in her bed for an hour or so, but at exactly 5:00, she was at my knee, licking her chops, asking for dinner. I don’t know how she learned to tell time, and I’ve never seen her look at a clock, but she knows. Without fail, she knows.

    Freak.

  11. I work for a commercial property management company that manages a large office complex. You’d think these offices would be filled with adults, but often it seems more like running a day care center. 

Today is particularly daycareish. Lots of people could use a nap. Or perhaps a spanking. They certainly don’t deserve a cookie and a juice box.

    I work for a commercial property management company that manages a large office complex. You’d think these offices would be filled with adults, but often it seems more like running a day care center.

    Today is particularly daycareish. Lots of people could use a nap. Or perhaps a spanking. They certainly don’t deserve a cookie and a juice box.

  12. ivegotzooms:

    So, the building deactivated the security keypads because of construction, and they sent us a giant, explanitory email. Which I totally read.

    Then I went to another floor and proceeded to enter my code 3 times waiting for the “accepted” click before I remembered that the doors are all as open as a truckload of Amish on Rumspringa.

    Thoughts of everything but the task at hand are driving my Daisy.

    Why are there Monday fingerprints all over my Tuesday?

    "Thoughts of everything but the task at hand are driving my Daisy." Dear god I love how this woman’s brain works.

  13. Watching the HIMYM finale

    Him: I have restless legs! They’re all jumpy and itchy.
    Me: Did you walk the dog too far?
    Him: No, I think it’s all this marriage talk. (shudder)

  14. The IT guy has taken remote control of my computer, and I’m watching him fumble around trying to figure out how to make the needed changes and I’m all like I could do that.

    The fumbling around part, I mean.

  15. Can I please consciously uncouple from my sinuses?

    The IT guy is here working on my computer, and his cologne is KILLING ME!!! As if all the pollen from the eighty gazillion oak trees in the immediate area isn’t already making me miserable, now I’m getting a migraine from the admittedly nice but deadly scent. And on top of that, I can’t go to lunch until he’s finished, because he keeps asking for information like passwords and settings and junk. Can’t he see I’m dyin’ ova heah?